More on annoying Americanisms

Interesting how an innocent rant on US date formats triggered quite a few ruffled emails in defence of 'yankeeisms'.

The only thing I was really complaining about was the silly month/date/year format for dates when used in numerical form - it's misleading when used internationally. The best argument that anyone could come up with was 'well, that's just how we do it'.

Someone said that Americans usually say August 4th or January 15th, so writing dates in that format is an extension of that. But that's still not good enough! We'd say quarter past nine, for example, but wouldn't write 15:21 instead of 21:15.

The nub of it is that when you are publishing internationally, you really need to use internationally understandable date formats.

Anyway, I was emailed something allegedly written by a famous British comic actor that goes into some details on the American use of the English language. Here is an extract:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium', and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.

Comments? Email me.

Comments

From Glenn Chappelle-Marriott, 13:33 19 March 2005

Your article on the American's slaughter of not only good taste but of the English language is brilliant and extremely overdue. I just think like, you know, it hits the nail on the head. I laughed my ar*e off!

From SC, 17:58 22 March 2005

In today's Political Animal there is what looks like the flipside of your 'Annoying Americanisms' post.

Britspeak: This is a little off the beaten path, but journalism professor Timothy Kenny writes today that he's concerned about the invasion of Britspeak in the US media.

From Christopher Hadin, 24 March 2005

Dear English Friend,

I recently came across this statement calling for the revocation of American Independence on your website.

While there are many issues surrounding this concept, I want to be brief and frank in my response.

I accept with all my heart and soul.

In exchange for ridding us of the churl in the Oval Office, I will:
1) Drive on any side of the road you want.
2) Change the way I spell certain words (watch me: c-o-l-o-u-r, colour).
3) I will wear the Oxford English Dictionary around my neck and, God willing, I will not offend the native speakers of the language.
4) Learn cricket or at least watch it with an understanding of what's going on.
5) Refrain from effusive displays of emotion in public.
6) Learn to make tea - proper tea, not from a tea bag.

I will do anything - anything - you ask. Just please make it so I never have to hear that ignorant ape from Texas on the radio or see him struggling to string two words together on the telly (See? I said 'telly').

Please bring your fine English ales, comfortable pubs, public gardens, VIZ comics, Twiglets, your little fuel-efficient cars and anything else that will make this transition an easy one for you.

My only question is: For the love of God - what took you so long?

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